I'm Going To Rot in Hell
When I tell you to stay away from me, I mean it. Pursue at your own risk.
*whispers to self: "Ellen, talk to me. Wake those titans inside your twisted realm. Think, biatch. Think!" *
It will be greatly unfair of me to say that I didn't ask for this. Truth is, I actually did. I prayed day and night to my god for happiness and peace of mind. I didn't actually ask for a man; what I asked for was strength to go on in this chaotic world alone, and trust in my heart that someday, that somebody will come and find me. I firmly believe that the latter has been answered. On the other hand, i think the former also did, but dashing something else along.
My ex told me, straight to my face, that I'm frigid. Too goddamn frigid. Combined with a strong personality, I was the type that either scares men away or attracts the more perseverant and at times worthy of the species. Six months into the relationship was only when I started to melt. I became mushy, and I have to ignore that itch whenever I'm being one. I was corny, but I was happy. And now look, everything failed. Being mushy and corny ain't worth it, I tell you. Not that I detest being sweet, but spoiling a person with no less than love itself can bring harmful effects on you, like a can of toxic waste bonking you in the head. Having the tendency to rock the cradle too often too much often leaves me used, abused, and reused. And I'm tired.
These tools have carried me through a lot of rotten apples in my path. More often than not I'm thankful to this side of myself for sparing me the trouble and, God forbid, the heartache that is saying goodbye. My guy friends think that I'll be a cool girl coz I'm cowboy, walang arte sa katawan, and walang apprehensions nor pretenses. Yun nga lang, ang hirap i-please. I think this is my biggest barrier from intimacy. New acquaintances see this barrier as a great incapacity to learn to love. Maybe they're right, maybe not.
So don't ask me to love you. I'm a big girl. I can love on my own out of my own decision.
*whispers to self: "Ellen, talk to me. Wake those titans inside your twisted realm. Think, biatch. Think!" *
It will be greatly unfair of me to say that I didn't ask for this. Truth is, I actually did. I prayed day and night to my god for happiness and peace of mind. I didn't actually ask for a man; what I asked for was strength to go on in this chaotic world alone, and trust in my heart that someday, that somebody will come and find me. I firmly believe that the latter has been answered. On the other hand, i think the former also did, but dashing something else along.
My ex told me, straight to my face, that I'm frigid. Too goddamn frigid. Combined with a strong personality, I was the type that either scares men away or attracts the more perseverant and at times worthy of the species. Six months into the relationship was only when I started to melt. I became mushy, and I have to ignore that itch whenever I'm being one. I was corny, but I was happy. And now look, everything failed. Being mushy and corny ain't worth it, I tell you. Not that I detest being sweet, but spoiling a person with no less than love itself can bring harmful effects on you, like a can of toxic waste bonking you in the head. Having the tendency to rock the cradle too often too much often leaves me used, abused, and reused. And I'm tired.
These tools have carried me through a lot of rotten apples in my path. More often than not I'm thankful to this side of myself for sparing me the trouble and, God forbid, the heartache that is saying goodbye. My guy friends think that I'll be a cool girl coz I'm cowboy, walang arte sa katawan, and walang apprehensions nor pretenses. Yun nga lang, ang hirap i-please. I think this is my biggest barrier from intimacy. New acquaintances see this barrier as a great incapacity to learn to love. Maybe they're right, maybe not.
So don't ask me to love you. I'm a big girl. I can love on my own out of my own decision.
Labels: mush, random ramblings
posted by Aquabitch | | Permalink 
