Vaginal Realm

Thanks to Joima for this. :)

I've become much too good at being invincible
I'm an expert at play it safe, and keep it cool
But I swear this isn't who I'm meant to be
I refuse to let my life roll all over me...

Let me feel, I don't care if I breakdown
Let me fall, even if I hit the ground
And if I...
Cry a little
Die a little
At least I know I lived, just a little...

Labels: nonsense

In the context of my post below, here is a piece from my twisted realm. No, really.

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To you,

I may not actually be worth a second of your time. It’s just that, this time, I’m tearing my walls down and letting you peek into my carefully guarded realm. Just this once.

At times that we run out of things to talk about, I either open up a new topic or say my goodbye for the day. Not that I run out of things to say, but because I’m afraid you will ask me the one question that I so try to avoid. It’s not also that I don’t have an answer, but because I try with all my wit to answer that one question in some other, less painful way. I am hoping that THAT something we have now will not be spoiled with words that I have been longing to say but just doesn’t have the guts to utter.

I need not ask you to know your thoughts about propriety and dignity. In this chaotic world where everybody always seems to be in a hurry to get some place, these two words have apparently ceased to go hand in hand. The hustle and bustle of the life of my world has transformed me into a person who has to adopt because somewhere out there, my true self waits to be unraveled. I did not have to ask you about your principles, much more spark a debate on the grounds of each other’s argument. It is out of admiration more than anything else. Those beliefs that you grasp so dearly are the ones that now I can only hope to have applied in my history. Much to my surprise, I pull myself back to speak of this to you because I know I’ll just get out of it as the loser. As early as now I’d like to thank you for your open-mindedness where prejudice has no space allotted. I shall always look up to the likes of you. Perhaps, just you. That is my promise.

What I have to say next may come as a surprise to you, just as it was to everyone else. I did not aspire to live an extravagant life. I will detest having enjoyed things that I did not work hard for. I’d like to see myself years from now sleeping inside a modest house at night tired after washing laundry in my rusty but reliable water pan while looking after my own seed if the nappy needs to be changed. But somehow, I would also like to spoil myself every once in a while after a hard day’s work or for any reason at all, because thanks to you, I now know that I deserve it. It is not wrong to dream of nice things, since after all, we live in a material world. It is ambitions like these that drive us to excel in our chosen paths. What is nice and what is trash quality, it varies from person to person. Whether we have the same definition of these things, perhaps I’ll never know.

I want you to understand that this is a difficult choice to make. I have tried so many times to share these thoughts with you, and so many times I failed. Hearts of gold are meant to be treasured for keeps. A wise man once told me that people who believe in love are fools – investing so much in something that only the gods know is real. In the end, there is only regret. A kiss blown in the wind. Maybe someday, the wind will bring me back my regret evolved into a raging storm, while your side of the fence will be sunny and warm. We never know these things, maybe one day we’ll both realize even that I am not worth all of this after all.

Someday, somehow, I will knock on your door and beg you to let me make you happy. Someday.

Labels: mush

When I tell you to stay away from me, I mean it. Pursue at your own risk.

*whispers to self: "Ellen, talk to me. Wake those titans inside your twisted realm. Think, biatch. Think!" *

It will be greatly unfair of me to say that I didn't ask for this. Truth is, I actually did. I prayed day and night to my god for happiness and peace of mind. I didn't actually ask for a man; what I asked for was strength to go on in this chaotic world alone, and trust in my heart that someday, that somebody will come and find me. I firmly believe that the latter has been answered. On the other hand, i think the former also did, but dashing something else along.

My ex told me, straight to my face, that I'm frigid. Too goddamn frigid. Combined with a strong personality, I was the type that either scares men away or attracts the more perseverant and at times worthy of the species. Six months into the relationship was only when I started to melt. I became mushy, and I have to ignore that itch whenever I'm being one. I was corny, but I was happy. And now look, everything failed. Being mushy and corny ain't worth it, I tell you. Not that I detest being sweet, but spoiling a person with no less than love itself can bring harmful effects on you, like a can of toxic waste bonking you in the head. Having the tendency to rock the cradle too often too much often leaves me used, abused, and reused. And I'm tired.

These tools have carried me through a lot of rotten apples in my path. More often than not I'm thankful to this side of myself for sparing me the trouble and, God forbid, the heartache that is saying goodbye. My guy friends think that I'll be a cool girl coz I'm cowboy, walang arte sa katawan, and walang apprehensions nor pretenses. Yun nga lang, ang hirap i-please. I think this is my biggest barrier from intimacy. New acquaintances see this barrier as a great incapacity to learn to love. Maybe they're right, maybe not.

So don't ask me to love you. I'm a big girl. I can love on my own out of my own decision.

Labels: mush, random ramblings

OMFG, that was absofuckinglutely fantastic.

*panting*


*giggling*


Drunk, stoned, and horny. I have heard testimonies about its ecstacy, but fuck, i didn't know that this combo was that good. I came in less than 5 minutes.

Second servings, anyone?

Labels: nonsense

Hmmm not a bad analysis, may I say.





The results of your analysis say:
You plan ahead, and are interested in beauty, design, outward appearance, and symmetry. You are a shy, idealistic person who does not find it easy to have relationships, especially intimate ones. You are affectionate, passionate, expressive, and future-oriented. You are a talkative person, maybe even a busybody! You enjoy life in your own way and do not depend on the opinions of others.


What does your handwriting say about YOU?

Labels: quizzicles

Yesterday, the 23rd, I suddenly remembered that today, the 24th, is my ex's birthday. It's his debut, so to say in Filipino setting. I remember talking to several of my close male friends months back asking for their opinions about an ultra-cool-gift-making-me-the-ultra-cool-girlfriend. Right now I'm not sure why I haven't discarded these suggestions from my head, as if they'd be of any use to me now that I am unattached. Hmmm over the years I've lost touch of my nifty gift-giving brainstorming abilities that I actually had to ask for others' opinions. Here are several of the gift choices I intended (note, not actually bought *whew*) to buy for my ex for today had we still been together:

• A motorbike. Now I'm really not sure if this is synonymous with a scooter, though I've always pertained to the latter as the smaller, more sissy type. I'm not referring to the big bike motorcross size thing either. Fuck, i really know nincompoop when it comes to this.
• A Tag Heuer watch. His and hers. Yeah right. *chuckles*
• An out-of-town vacation for 2. Somewhere nice and we can intoxicate ourselves silly and eat and sleep only when we feel like it. I was thinking maybe Bora or Palawan.
• A surprise birthday bash. It's his debut anyway, and since he had no plans throwing a party for himself, might as well organize everything and see the look on his face when he sees all that people and booze.

Out of the 4, the third choice was the one most likely to happen. Now, all of them will never be. Dont' get me wrong, though. I'm not bitter nor sourgraping here. Au contraire, it's actually bemusing to look back at the foolish things I will do for love. Ah, love. Bah.

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Today, the 24th of January, is also my first anniversary in this company. A year ago, I was clueless on my job accountabilities. If I could go back in time to a year ago carrying with me the knowledge I have now, I might have packed my bags and ran for dear life away from here. Whoops, too late.

Labels: random ramblings

1: Napapansin ko lang...sinadya mo kong hindi ibili, binabawi mo na yung laptop, ang sama mo. ang sama sama mo.

Me: Masama? Ipit ako sa meeting the whole morning til 1pm. gusto mo ba 15 minutes lang ako mag-lunch para ikuha ka ng form?

1: Hindi. Sinasadya mo e. Sabihin mo na. Nakakahalata na ko.

***************************************

Me: Seriously, meet tayo tomorrow. I really need my laptop.

1: Tsaka na.

Me: Hindi ko sya kukunin kung hindi ko kailangan. Maawa ka sa ken, instead of sa bahay ako nagwowork, nag-oOT pa ko dito sa office.

1: E sanay ka na naman di ba? Hu, pag nasa bahay ka matutulog ka lang dun.

Me: Hindi nga. Tambak ako ng trabaho. hindi ko sya kukunin kung di ko kailangan.

1: Kelan mo babalik?

Me: bahala na. pag natapos ko work ko.

1: Pambihira naman! hanggang Sunday lang!

Me: ?!



Fyi, I passed by the bank to get him a form during my lunch break but as expected, the line in BPI is so friggin' long so I put it off. That was yesterday. The form costs 5k. He won't pay for it, tsaka na lang daw kasi ayaw pa nya maglabas ng pera. Heh. Ano ko gf mo para paluwalan lahat ng gastos mo at utus-utusan mo? Di na ko papauto sa yo. I've had E-N-O-U-G-H. Ugh.

At yang laptop na yan, AKIN yan. Kaya wag mong ipagdamot dahil pinahiram ko lang sa yo yan. Di ko na problem kung pano ka mag-iinternet para magcheck ng friendster at mag-chat at mag-myspace. Pag nga OL ka at nakita mong OL din ako, di mo ko pinapansin e. Tingin mo di ako nakakahalata? Do I really put myself as THAT stupid? Feeling mo mahal kita? Yun ang akala mo. I'm deprived of such emotions far worse than you'll ever comprehend.

I tried so hard to be civil with you for the sake of whatever we shared. Don't take it as signs of affection for a significant other, coz thing is you really are nothing to me. Because YOU ARE NOTHING.

Labels: dialogues, gripe

Last Saturday and Sunday was quite humid. I didn't expect such a rise in temperature coz after all, it's still January. The air is supposed to have that chilly bite in it as was last Christmas season, and yet I was sweating like a pig when I woke up at the sofa where I fell asleep on Saturday afternoon. Mong woke me up a tad early that day (7am in the morning for chrissakes) to tell me to get off the friggin' bed and dress up to meet him. I planned to go to the dentist in the afternoon that day, but coz my sleep was disturbed earlier in the morning, I decided to take a powernap before going so. And some powernap it was. :)

I sort of detest summer in way. Aside from being uncomfortably hot, it brings a few bad memories that I'd rather dump in a hole and drop an atomic bomb onto. My hair gets sticky, my face oily, and my energy weary coz of the heat that's why oftentimes I'd rather stay home if not going to the beach ^_^.

And to top it all off, I fear this is going to be another lonely summer. ='(



"Bakit ganun? Ang hirap hirap maging masaya."

Labels: daily mishaps, random ramblings

Here's a picture of me with some of my single female friends in the office (taken at punta fuego last october 2005).

The girl at the left is Dang, our finance manager. She's got the combo of a tiny waist and a big ass. She and Zito has been together for more than 10 years now. Are bells about to ring soon? No, she says.

Next to her is Leizel, executive secretary to George. The reigning queen of ePLDT, and my seatmate (as far as cubicle arrangement is concerned). I'm glad she's my friend *user friendly mode*. For more info about her, see my previous post.

The girl on the extreme right is Cathy, executive secretary to our President RCE. Uh, apart from this, 'tis all I know about her.

Not in picture: Racquel, our controller. She wasn't here not because she's already married, but because she was at home nursing her baby piglet. Hehe sorry Racquel, you missed out on a lot. =)

Yes, that IS cleavage.

Labels: daily mishaps

I love you to the moon and back.


These were the words uttered by Noel to Leizel before popping the question and dashing out the more than 1 carat ring. Leizel literally fell of the chair.

I'm not the cheesy mushy type of person, but I couldn't help but cry as she narrated the series of events that was last night, their first monthsary. First. Bah, sometimes, when it's your time...it's your time.

Pondering on her bliss, I realized that love can still sweep you off your feet at this chaotic time of the fast world. With all the noise and hurrying of people, some individuals out there go out of their way to set up the perfect time and place to utter 4 words of intense emotions -- will you marry me. There was a hint of jealousy in there, as I have always dreamed of a perfect proposal for myself. Though for me to actually think about it, I gotta find myself a worthy man first. For her, though it has only been a month, they just know that the person in front of them is the one they want to grow old with. As Mong would put it, "When you look into her eyes, you'll know it's her". Her story actually uplifted my spirits a bit, for it manifests that love is a worthwhile emotion worth investing, after all.

I'm not bitter, it's just that all of the men who had come and go into my sick world were nothing short of chauvinistic pigs. Indeed, I was a walking flystrip for the wrong kind, or perhaps he's still out there being taught by God how to unconditionally love a meager person like me. I hate to give myself too much credit to expect a god of a man, but hey, shoot me for loving myself so.

He will find me someday. I know he will.

Labels: mush

I received flowers today from Francis. It was a tad expected but I was surprised nonetheless.


Something to look at when working too hard...
...or for any reason at all.

How sweet. How unfortunate.

Now, perhaps with the angle of this picture you can't tell what's wrong with this bouquet. Look again.

WTF? A black rose?!

Labels: mush

When you ask someone to do something for you and by your standards the outcome is not what you expected, you just shut the fuck up, take his/her fruit of labor, and walk away. Thanking them for exerting effort is not a must but ideal.

However, some people are too arrogant and conceited to do otherwise.

These type of people are what I call squids. They cling to you with each tentacle they have and suck the living daylight out of you, and when you're bled dry or is not satisfying enough, they just drop you to the ocean floor and squirt black ink at you. These people should be stuck in a barbecue stick from their asses to their heads and placed in burning ember. Add some soy sauce and kalamansi juice and voila! Beer na lang kulang.

My bad that I tolerated such behavior to banter me for more than a month. Looking back, I am bemused by how I was able to withstand a set-up with my ego always ending in the trash bin. Then again, I'm human too.

Gotta dispose that ps2. *hangs self*

Labels: gripe

Since the start of December my concentration is going down to unhealthy levels. I haven't really been productive since the budget process ended at the end of November. Somehow that process is so draining that it apparently used up all my mana that could've lasted me til the end of the year. It's the 3rd of January, and work has already piled up up to my ears, and here I am creating this entry and surfing the net before and after. I've been arriving at the office at terribly late hours for a month now. I'll give myself until the end of this week to see if my cogs start turning again, or else my job will be going down the drain as well.

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Me and trash are planning to watch PBA tomorrow. Too bad only lower box seats are available as of now. Hmmm can somebody tell me where lower box exactly is? If it's a bad view then we might forego watching. :(

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Finally paid the 50% confirmation fee at VC last night for Friday's party. I'm crossing my fingers that people will actually attend this party, especially the expats for whom this party will be held. Yeah, and that includes YOU. *ubo ubo* I wish my kras can make it. Heh, as if it CAN happen. Thank God I was born a female in a Filipino society; if I were a boy, I would still be girlfriend-less, or worse a virgin, up to now. Ah the wonders of mother nature...

Labels: daily mishaps, random ramblings

If they stayed together for the sake of the kids, heck they did a wonderfuckinglutely job.


This was my very first thought in 2006 (excluding whatever nonsensicals I was thinking while waiting for 12mn).


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Looking back at how I spent the holidays, I can only surmise at how pitiful of a family I have. The endless cold war between two persons has finally ended on Christmas Eve after more than 33 years of painstaking effort to live with each other. I spent Christmas and New Year’s Eves with another family who are not even blood relatives, and I guess this is the only consolation for me to actually say that the holidays is the season for love and giving, after all. However, with the risk of sounding like a whining crybaby, it still irks me that the family who has built my final stronghold from the gusts of life is actually starting to formally fall apart, and fate has picked the perfect timing for it.

Being the family-oriented person that my parents raised me to be, I say now with shame and regret that matters seems irreparable by now. Perhaps I need not explain the shame part, but the regret stems out from the fact that it was me, always been me, who’s caught in the middle of all of their clashes. And it was me who knew and tried so hard to understand the side of them both, and judging by the complication of their personalities just decided to cover-up for the shortcomings of the other just so tension would not heighten and spark a nuclear war, and make our home a mine field. Now that they are starting to crumble I can’t help but blame myself. But what was I supposed to do? I may be made from their chromosomes or whatever but conjugal matters should be settled by the conjugal partners. Their issues should be discussed and settled by them and them alone, or perhaps with the assistance of a marriage counselor but that’s about it. The reason why? Because I can humbly admit that I know shit when it comes to intimate relationships, and I really cannot claim that I know more than they do, thus wiping out my stand to try meddling with their matrimonial affairs.

4 offsprings, 4 college diplomas, and 4 contributions to the workforce. When I looked at things from a sociologist’s POV, then they really did not do bad as parents. Heh.

It’s the first day of the year and it’s raining. It’s the year of the dog, my year, and a wounded pup like me can only lick her wounds in a secluded shelter and let life do its wonders of healing.

Count your blessings; you never know until when they will last.

Labels: gripe, random ramblings