A Reply To You
In the context of my post below, here is a piece from my twisted realm. No, really.
******************
To you,
I may not actually be worth a second of your time. It’s just that, this time, I’m tearing my walls down and letting you peek into my carefully guarded realm. Just this once.
At times that we run out of things to talk about, I either open up a new topic or say my goodbye for the day. Not that I run out of things to say, but because I’m afraid you will ask me the one question that I so try to avoid. It’s not also that I don’t have an answer, but because I try with all my wit to answer that one question in some other, less painful way. I am hoping that THAT something we have now will not be spoiled with words that I have been longing to say but just doesn’t have the guts to utter.
I need not ask you to know your thoughts about propriety and dignity. In this chaotic world where everybody always seems to be in a hurry to get some place, these two words have apparently ceased to go hand in hand. The hustle and bustle of the life of my world has transformed me into a person who has to adopt because somewhere out there, my true self waits to be unraveled. I did not have to ask you about your principles, much more spark a debate on the grounds of each other’s argument. It is out of admiration more than anything else. Those beliefs that you grasp so dearly are the ones that now I can only hope to have applied in my history. Much to my surprise, I pull myself back to speak of this to you because I know I’ll just get out of it as the loser. As early as now I’d like to thank you for your open-mindedness where prejudice has no space allotted. I shall always look up to the likes of you. Perhaps, just you. That is my promise.
What I have to say next may come as a surprise to you, just as it was to everyone else. I did not aspire to live an extravagant life. I will detest having enjoyed things that I did not work hard for. I’d like to see myself years from now sleeping inside a modest house at night tired after washing laundry in my rusty but reliable water pan while looking after my own seed if the nappy needs to be changed. But somehow, I would also like to spoil myself every once in a while after a hard day’s work or for any reason at all, because thanks to you, I now know that I deserve it. It is not wrong to dream of nice things, since after all, we live in a material world. It is ambitions like these that drive us to excel in our chosen paths. What is nice and what is trash quality, it varies from person to person. Whether we have the same definition of these things, perhaps I’ll never know.
I want you to understand that this is a difficult choice to make. I have tried so many times to share these thoughts with you, and so many times I failed. Hearts of gold are meant to be treasured for keeps. A wise man once told me that people who believe in love are fools – investing so much in something that only the gods know is real. In the end, there is only regret. A kiss blown in the wind. Maybe someday, the wind will bring me back my regret evolved into a raging storm, while your side of the fence will be sunny and warm. We never know these things, maybe one day we’ll both realize even that I am not worth all of this after all.
Someday, somehow, I will knock on your door and beg you to let me make you happy. Someday.
******************
To you,
I may not actually be worth a second of your time. It’s just that, this time, I’m tearing my walls down and letting you peek into my carefully guarded realm. Just this once.
At times that we run out of things to talk about, I either open up a new topic or say my goodbye for the day. Not that I run out of things to say, but because I’m afraid you will ask me the one question that I so try to avoid. It’s not also that I don’t have an answer, but because I try with all my wit to answer that one question in some other, less painful way. I am hoping that THAT something we have now will not be spoiled with words that I have been longing to say but just doesn’t have the guts to utter.
I need not ask you to know your thoughts about propriety and dignity. In this chaotic world where everybody always seems to be in a hurry to get some place, these two words have apparently ceased to go hand in hand. The hustle and bustle of the life of my world has transformed me into a person who has to adopt because somewhere out there, my true self waits to be unraveled. I did not have to ask you about your principles, much more spark a debate on the grounds of each other’s argument. It is out of admiration more than anything else. Those beliefs that you grasp so dearly are the ones that now I can only hope to have applied in my history. Much to my surprise, I pull myself back to speak of this to you because I know I’ll just get out of it as the loser. As early as now I’d like to thank you for your open-mindedness where prejudice has no space allotted. I shall always look up to the likes of you. Perhaps, just you. That is my promise.
What I have to say next may come as a surprise to you, just as it was to everyone else. I did not aspire to live an extravagant life. I will detest having enjoyed things that I did not work hard for. I’d like to see myself years from now sleeping inside a modest house at night tired after washing laundry in my rusty but reliable water pan while looking after my own seed if the nappy needs to be changed. But somehow, I would also like to spoil myself every once in a while after a hard day’s work or for any reason at all, because thanks to you, I now know that I deserve it. It is not wrong to dream of nice things, since after all, we live in a material world. It is ambitions like these that drive us to excel in our chosen paths. What is nice and what is trash quality, it varies from person to person. Whether we have the same definition of these things, perhaps I’ll never know.
I want you to understand that this is a difficult choice to make. I have tried so many times to share these thoughts with you, and so many times I failed. Hearts of gold are meant to be treasured for keeps. A wise man once told me that people who believe in love are fools – investing so much in something that only the gods know is real. In the end, there is only regret. A kiss blown in the wind. Maybe someday, the wind will bring me back my regret evolved into a raging storm, while your side of the fence will be sunny and warm. We never know these things, maybe one day we’ll both realize even that I am not worth all of this after all.
Someday, somehow, I will knock on your door and beg you to let me make you happy. Someday.
Labels: mush
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